Every time I think I've gone over all the major hurdles, something else pops up. Today I had to ship off my Hypnobabies home study kit I sold on eBay, as well as the maternity clothes I had borrowed. I also had to call the dentist office to go back to have a temporary filling replaced. A few weeks before I lost the baby, I had an emergency filling put in. I can't help but wonder if it contributed to her death. I also have been having this pain for a few weeks that goes from my neck, down my left arm and into my left index finger. I finally accepted I would have to go to my primary care doctor. I was dreading it because I would have to tell her about the baby. I hate telling people. Also, her office is in a pediatrics office.
When I got there, there were two baby carriers in the waiting area. One was empty and the other had a blanket over it. After about ten minutes, a lady came in carrying her pharmacy bag and peeked under the blanket....at her baby! She had left the baby alone in the waiting area while she went to the pharmacy. Next, a lady came in with her baby in the travel system. She was loud and obnoxious. I tried to ignore her, but when she moved to sit near me, she smelled of alcohol and cigarettes. I was disgusted. A few more babies came in while I was waiting.
They finally brought me back to the room. There was a newborn in the next room screaming from shots. When the nurse came in and asked how I thought I hurt myself, I just started crying. The only thing I could think of, was if my neck was in a weird position when I was delivering the baby. I explained the situation and she went to get the doctor, after handing me the tissue box.
My doctor came in and gave me a big hug and just let me talk. She asked if I wanted medication to help me get through this. I told her I really didn't think I needed it. I have to go through the process some time anyway. It may as well be now. She wrote me the prescription anyway. My blood pressure was 155/110 so now I have to go check it every day.

I can't do it. My daughter is supposed to attend a birthday party today and I just can't make myself go. We just held her party last month with the same group of kids and I just can't face all those parents now. At my daughter's party, I was big and pregnant and everyone was congratulating us and talking about babies. There's no way I can face that group again right now.

It has been four weeks since I gave birth to sweet baby Cami. I miss her every day. I physically ache to have her back. She was a part of me for so long, I feel like I am now a different person. I want to change things around me to match that person. I'm making changes in my home. I'm exercising to change my body. I can't stand the thought of anyone looking at me and thinking I look like I just had a baby. I need to get back to normal some how.
We visited the cemetery on Sunday. It was something I needed to do. For some reason I had all these irrational fears about not being able to locate her grave. I was also afraid it had been vandalized or even that it just wasn't there. The memorial marker company has not been able to contact the cemetery caretaker, so I worry we won't be able to get her grave marked. I felt a great wave of relief when we arrived and saw they had put up a temporary marker. Also, all the flowers from the funeral were still there and most were still in good condition. My husband was upset and my five year old daughter kept saying she was trying not to cry. We told her it was okay to cry if she felt like it.

I have a great husband!

When I was young, I wanted to be a novelist when I grew up. Someone once told me it isn't possible to be a good novelist until you are at least 35 years old because until then, you haven't had enough life experience. I turn 35 this year and I don't know how much more "life experience" I can take. Maybe it is time for me to write.

I made it through the first day. I still went to bed very early, but I made it through the day without stressing too much or breaking down. Keeping a "to do" list is very helpful. When I find myself wandering aimlessly, I go back to the list and focus. I'm going to order a portrait of the baby from Portraits by Dana. She has a 4-6 week wait list, but I love her work.
Many of the things on my list are baby related and I can't handle too many of those tasks in one day. Yesterday, my husband went back to work and a friend emailed asking about me and the baby. He hadn't heard what happened. I just dread going back to work and facing that scenario. My husband had to write and explain what happened.

It Began With a Tragic Ending

Today is my first day home alone since I lost my precious baby girl on December 29th, 2005. She was born silent at 34.5 weeks and we still do not know for certain what caused her demise. I had been having contractions and went to the birth center on December 28th. After searching for a heartbeat for thirty minutes, the nurses called the OB to do an ultrasound. He informed me there was no heartbeat. That was when the bottom dropped out of my world.
I had been in the birth center five times previously for contractions and they had given me shots of Terbutaline and sent me home. I thought this time would be no different, so I did not bring my husband with me. I had to call him while I was hysterical and tell him our baby had died. He arrived and we were both completely devastated when the ultrasound technician confirmed the findings of the OB.
I was given the option of having labor induced or waiting for nature to take its course. We chose induction and began the process immediately. After more than twenty hours of labor, Cambria Quinn was born and we were able to hold her and admire our beautiful daughter. She was laid to rest in a beautiful, country cemetery on January sixth.
We were very fortunate to have family come to stay with us and help us through those first horrible hours of grief. Now our family has left, my five year old daughter is with her father and my husband has gone back to work. I created this blog as a means to express my feelings in the days to come as I figure out how to cope with this terrible loss.